Dealing with The Loss of a Pet

The most common symptoms of grief include:

  • Crying
  • Numbness
  • Fatigue
  • Depression
  • Loneliness
  • Difficulty eating or sleeping
  • Sadness
  • Denial
  • Confusion
  • Dreaming about your pet
  • Shock
  • Aching
  • Blaming
  • Irritability
  • Anxiety
  • Withdrawal
  • Relief
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Guilt
  • Sighing

 

How can I help myself cope?

  • Get out of the house. Go somewhere, even if it's just for a little while.
  • Exercise. This will help you feel better physically and emotionally.
  • Eat well. Be sure not to over or under eat.
  • If you can‘t fall asleep within 20 minutes, get up and do something else. Return to your bed when you feel sleepy.
  • Meditate or take a mindful walk.
  • Break the routine that you had with your pet. For example, if you fed your pet or walked with them at a certain time every day, purposely choose a very different activity for that time.
  • Schedule time for your grief. Spend a certain amount of time each day focused on your loss. The time you spend on this could be five minutes or one hour. After the time is up, however, purposely think about or do something else (preferably something pleasurable to you). It is almost impossible for the mind to think of two things at the same time.
  • Talk to someone who understands your loss or attend a support group.
  • Talk and write about what you miss about your pet. For example, what has knowing this animal brought into your life? What have you learned from him/her?
  • Accept the grief and roll with its tides. There is no easy way through this—it will hurt.
  • Postpone making major decisions.
  • Use your experience to help others cope with a similar situation.
  • For the time being, put away remembrances of your pet that may upset you. Bring them out slowly as you start to feel better.
  • Avoid all substance abuse. This is a very vulnerable time for you—don‘t start down this road.

 

Dealing with Guilt

You can‘t always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.
—Charles Popplestone

Guilt is a powerful and common response to pet loss. In fact, it is often the biggest emotional hurdle owners encounter after a beloved pet dies.

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we somehow failed our pet. Most owners who elect euthanasia have some degree of guilt surrounding that choice. It is even worse if the pet was killed accidentally. Many owners say that the ideal death for a pet would be to have him/her die peacefully and comfortably in their arms. Unfortunately, this rarely happens and we are faced with having to make difficult decisions on our pet's behalf.

Knowing that small amounts of guilt can be a normal part of the grieving process might make it easier to bear.

Often, the time prior to a pet‘s death is very difficult and exhausting. You may feel relief that your pet is no longer suffering. There is no need to harbor guilt about this feeling.

Remember the 90/10 rule:

Ten percent of life is made up of what happens to you.
Ninety percent of life is determined by how you react to what happens to you.

This means we have no control over 10 percent of what happens in our lives. We cannot control a malignant tumor that won‘t respond to chemotherapy. We can‘t control a driver who seemingly comes out of nowhere and hits our pet. There are events that we simply cannot influence. 

The other 90 percent is different. We control 90 percent of our lives with our reactions to the 10 percent we cannot control (i.e., we cannot control the death of our pet, but we can control our reaction to it). This does not mean that feelings of grief are not legitimate, normal or healthy. It simply means that we have the ability to change the way we think and control our reactions. Cultivating this skill will help you move through the grief process, especially when experiencing feelings of guilt.

 

Memorializing Your Pet

Throughout history, humans have commemorated the deaths of their pets. This is seen in the history of the ancient Egyptians and early Chinese emperors to the modern day existence of pet cemeteries and private crematoriums. For many pet owners, memorializing is a critical part of grieving and can be done in many different ways.

  • Hold a service for anyone to attend who may have loved your pet. During the service, you can read a poem or say a prayer. You may use a picture of your pet for the ceremony; it is not necessary to have the body or ashes present.
  • Light a candle for your pet at a certain time each day or a certain day each week.
  • Make something that reminds you of your pet.
  • Place mementos of your pet in a special place, such as a decorative box.
  • Make a donation in memory of your pet.
  • If you have the pet's ashes, you can place them in an urn or scatter them in a place that was special to your pet. Some people choose to do both.
  • Plant a tree or bush in honor of your pet.
  • Consider writing a story about how the life and/or loss of your pet affected you. People in a similar situation may appreciate knowing that they are not alone in their grief.
  • Attend a pet loss support group.
  • Much of the material in this handout was obtained from the book "Saying Good-bye to the Pet You Love" by Lorri Greene, Ph.D. and Jacquelyn Landis. We encourage anyone seeking more information about these or other pet loss topics to refer to this excellent resource.

 

Other Resources:

  • "Grieving the Death of a Pet" by Betty J. Carmack, Augsburg Fortress Publishers (2003)
  • "Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet" by Gary Kowalski, Stillpoint Publishing (1997)
  • "Dogs Have Souls Too" by George and Emily Watson, PMD Publishing (2001)
  • "Angel Whiskers: Reflections on Loving and Losing a Feline Companion" by Laurel Hunt (ed.), Hyperion Press (2001)

 

Online resources: